Sevvy

Just when I thought it was all going to finally be over, he rears his red, unshaven face and says with his thick, hillbilly twang, “I’m back, y’all!”  And the idiot fanboys rejoiced!  And the normal non-retards said, “Noooooo!  Are you serious?”

Ugh.  You know, I don’t really care that he’s playing for yet another of the Chicago Bears bitter division rivals, The Minnesota Vikings.  I’m not afraid of a soon-to-be 40 year old QB that retired from football a long time ago, but wasn’t notified of his own retirement.  I take that back.  I am afraid of him.  I’m afraid that he’ll never leave.  He’s a football ghost.  He died a long time ago, but still roams the end zones of NFL stadiums,  haunting the NFL because he feels like his football life still has unfinished business to attend to.  He must make amends for all the times he cost the Packers a chance at the Super Bowl with an untimely interception… or 6.  Then and only then may he rest in peace and leave us non-fanboys the hell alone.

It’s like the premise of a terrible B movie.  Or hell, even your average Hollywood summer blockbuster.  Seeing as 90% of them are complete trash.  But I digress.  And this is no ghost story.  Oh no, this is very real.  And very frightening.

And the worst part?  We get to deal with “Favre Watch” again.  We get to watch the media hang on his every move and word for at least another offseason.  They’ll dig through his trash at his Hattiesburg, Mississippi home to get clues to whether or not he’s going to retire after this season.  In dramatic fashion, ESPN’s Rachel Nichols will report that while combing through his garbage can, she found what appears to be the jock strap that John Madden gave to Brett Favre that has “John + Brett 4EVER” embroidered on it, and that it appears that he may be hanging it up.

I wrote all that shortly after he announced his return.  But I’ve been too busy to finish it.  So here’s the rest that I wrote today…

After last night, the legend of the NFL’s oldest diva appears to be growing once again.  Cracked ribs.  An illegal crackback block that could have ended a young man’s career.  A screen pass for a TD(whoopdy shit).  And the fanboys say he’s still got it.  Really?  A screen pass for a TD in a preseason game?

I can almost guarantee that if Brett Favre walked out to the 50 yard line of Houston’s Reliant Stadium, dropped trou, and then squeezed out a hot shit on the field in front of the 70,191 people in attendance with every Monday Night Football camera aimed at his hillbilly, white ass… douche nozzle’s like ESPN’s Mark Schlereth would still say that Canton should scoop that steaming pile of excrement up and enshrine it in the Hall of Fame.  Then as he illegally crackback blocks Eugene Wilson and potentially shreds his knee like some good BBQ pulled pork, the talking heads will commend him on how gritty he is, and how he’s an old school, hard-nosed footballer.

Yeah, no.  He should be fined and suspended for that bonehead move.  He put Eugene Wilson’s career in jeopardy in a PRESEASON GAME.  So to all the fanboys out there, get your head out of Brett Favre’s ass.  I really hope that defenders all across the league decide to send him a message.  A message that no one else has had the balls to send him.  You pay for your mistakes just like everyone else in this league.  You are not God’s gift to football.  You’re just an old horse that should have been sent to the glue factory a long time ago.  And when you take cheapshots at defenders, expect retribution.